Robert Shields
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Pool Slide Epic Fail
There definitely should be a weight limit on these things. Maybe he could sue the manufacturer.
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Fighting Sleep
Am I exhausted? Yes. Will I go to bed early? NO!
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When I'm in the Shower...
When I'm in the shower: 2% washing, 8% singing, 90% winning fake arguments.
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Church Bake Sale
Why I'm no longer asked to make gingerbread men for the church bake sales.
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Running Late
When you have to be at work at 9 but you left the house at 8:58.
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R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I need to stop smoking weed and start respecting women.
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Trying To Catch A Moving Target
When she on top and you trying to catch a moving target.
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You're Fat
You're fat. That's very hippo critical. Leave it to a hippo to be hippo critical.
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Check
This is how men look when the wife is about to check a bitch.
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You Know the Bath Was Good When...
You know the bath was good one you get out of the water and your foot is a wrinkled prune.
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Are You Getting Enough Sleep?
Doctor: Are you getting enough rest? This is me. My bloodshot eyes actually have blood dripping out.
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Water Bottle
I've been using this as a water bottle for about a month now. I kind of love the judging eyes it gets me at the gym
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Oven Baked
When you open the oven to check your chicken.
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Sharing My Fries Eyes
When your friend gets a salad and then eats half your French fries... She gets me fries eyes.
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Hair Half Up
When you've been single for a while but got plans that require a dress. Wear half your hair up.
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Global Warming
Draw me like one of your French girls... said the polar bear.
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What Does a Thesaurus Eat for Breakfast?
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? A synonym roll.
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My Girlfriend Thinks I'm Childish
My girlfriend wanted to discuss my childish behavior, but she didn't have the password for my pillow fort.
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The Bachelor
So a guy gets to make out with 20 different hot women and each one is convinced that he is the perfect husband? And this is a "reality" show???
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On My Day Off
This is me on my day off. Those cucumber slices on me eyes are real calming.
