when you said your last goodbye I died a little inside.


well, nothing new just applying to jobs. trying project manager positions. I might do HR Specialist next. I don't know I'm applying everywhere again. praying I actually get a real job. I came believe I have to speak this way. can't trust the dang phones or internet. believe me that woman that said there is no Jacob that works there is fishy too. I probably make the worst cop id put everyone away. but yeah anyways I know I'm the most hated woman on earth except for my sweethearts in the world they love me. I'll always love them and look forward to seeing them someday. even though I'm in prison right now in my room not able to see my people because nobody gets back to me. I understand shits busy but they should make time to email me back so I can have a life. I'm thinking of emailing my guardian again. I want to go see my people my people have no car to get up here and I have no job. I'm so disappointed like why did it have to turn into a scam. it was the perfect job. I'm so aggravated because I'm stressed out at the bullshit I see. I wish it would shut down. I really do. this curse I'm going through it's not built to have a happy ending. because that's how those people work. and God just keeps letting me down. plus he don't answer. if we hear God I don't think it's his voice. idk. I'm losing hope and that's exactly what the creator wanted. I don't care he's a happy psycho up there with all that freedom. he built the world's but still dudes to scary to actually pray to. idk I have a lot of thoughts I need to get out... im going to church and I got a therapist and I journal I tried everything to make my mental illness go away I've tried helping them by being there then emotionally. ya know I can't really talk to myself. they locked me up for believing in God and being spiritual. they diagnosed me with schitzo effective so. ya know I'm not stupid they lied about me those effin case workers. so idk.so I'm getting it out on here and pray someone knows what I'm going through. like I wonder if they are there own curse or if they see mine. it be nice to talk to someone away from the therapist thing. but yes there isn't anything we can do but pray take medication and bless the house or excorcise us. that's it. only God can take a mental illness away. but we can talk about it. but nobody is like me. I do this shit and post my life on social media. I reach out to everyone going through what I go through really it sucks seeing dumb bitches and assholes. I bet they exist somewhere maybe on another earth. I hope. think people would take a chance and be in spirit in an image or the air? Ive thought everything. really I seen some horrible shit and then I see demons. excorcist demons. it's pretty scary. idk if gods trying to stop them because all they do is laugh and try and kill me. so idk.. I guess church's don't so excorcisms. they bless houses though. so maybe we need to keep blessing until the schitzophrenia ain't there anymore. idk if it's gonna get worse I hope not I've been through enough with humans to last me a lifetime. in person and in my head and In my dreams. but yes I dream awake like you know how you are people moving in your sleep like the the well it's right in there in my head. but they look so big but I look and then they ain't there so idk idk if people would really risk starving to death and bein in the house ya know idk. there picture does it though. maybe it's a background maybe they went to take it farther in there background. maybe it's a different type of schitzophrenia maybe it can actually kill me or someone else. the people in the picture keep trying to grab me like they are gonna kill me. and yeah I seen children suffer. if there real there parents are gonna kill those people. but yeah idk what to do I need a break from it. I don't know why God couldn't of made it a normal schitzophrenia right now when he don't answer ya know because I values so much of my normal life and my career. I need peace. I've been dealing with this since 2010 or whenever ya know. he just keeps running it the Lord. I want him to take it away or shut it off however to make it leave. they don't so excorcisms here. idk.. I don't freak out like the movies.. so there all glad that I don't have any episodes like that I care too much to be a manager. but I really need to get this off mychest before I die and go to hell. it sucks seeing people that are almost identical to the people in my life and they have threatened to take my soulmate and bang him okay I felt a sharp pain in my back and body and I just got so angry that it felt like they broke me right now. it's happened like 5 times so far. and I don't know if it's a demon behind it or what. but I need it to go away now. I can't help those kids or in reality I can't help people. God doesn't answer me like that ya know. everytime something bad happens I feel this irritation and God is getting me upset because of his silence and no matter how kind I am the message doesn't get across ya know. idk I feel horrible but idk I try and have them feel my love but there's nothing I can do the cops aren't gonna believe it. theyll probably lock me up idk. tell me to get help or whatever. idk whose out there in the world. but if you read this pray for my family and me. and all the kids out there suffering because they have bad parents or because there perverts wanting to hurt them. they need you more then ever. I don't think the cops ever wanted me to be q cop. I'm probably the type that would see it's abuse for not giving your kid chocolate at a candy store. really or aggravated me that they said no to the sweetheart like idk maybe they went to the store more then once and it's the second time theyve asked for candy. so idk. but seriously theyd all put away because I can here their voice and how they sound talking to the child. I never believe in that shit. I don't care to think about this anymore but really the cops could just put them all away because they suck. children deserved to be loved and they know that ya know. idk.. I prayed everyday for everything we need in my heart to the Lord. so that shouldve been enough for them to be saved. so idk . but thanks for hearing me out. i understand if no one wants to talk about it but it's what I need. it kills me seeing kids suffer okay I always cried in every sad movie where a kid or mother dies okay. so yeah it just kills me. but I got to go I need to apply. I need a smoke and my vape. I have a nasty withdrawel. if I don't smoke it says on Google I'll die from the wirhdrawel. so I just keep smoking and keep smoking not to scream from the pain.